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#1
Unfortunately Cardiff City council officials were present at the recent Cardiff Devils game against Nottingham Panthers and witnessed the poor attempt at humour in the form of a chant - "the roof, the roof , the roof is from IKEA.”
Not wishing to let a good PR or marketing opportunity go to waste the officials went straight back to the city chambers and put a plan into action with voracity. After 5 hours, 3 meetings and hunting for a crumpled copy of the yellow pages the plan was put into motion after the YTS office junior (temp) managed to find a phone number for IKEA.
After employing a translator and carrying out a full Health and safety risk assessment, they realised that they had got through to the Belfast branch. After interrogating the bemused operator and threatening her with terrorism charges and offences against the state, she pleasantly supplied them with the required number for the store in Cardiff bay. She was admonished with a stern warning about how continually leaving her wheelie bin 4 centimetres too far from the kerbside had killed 3 thousand polar bears last year, and a promise of being put onto the Weight Watchers mailing list as her children would eventually be obese and therefore be a burden to the normal law abiding tax payers who were only just managing to keep pace with the councils pension liabilities.
The newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) had the final say whether or not further charges should be alleged, and after careful consideration, a legally obligated customer satisfaction survey form was dispatched by way of punishment. A mighty tome of 107 pages to be completed in triplicate, complete with guidance note booklets in 36 languages, plus a freephone telephone number to India for English speakers.
“Hello? Is that the Cardiff Bay Branch of IKEA?”
“Yes! How may I help you?”
“This is the Council Planning Department. It has been brought to our attention that you are responsible for a wooden roof structure coated in blue plastic in Cardiff bay. We have checked our records for a whole afternoon and it is apparent that IKEA or any of its subsidiaries have not applied for planning permission for a lone roof in the Cardiff Bay catchment area. Can you please explain how you managed to erect a roof without either planning permission or a building to place it upon? Please be aware that this call is being recorded for training and legal purposes because we just don’t believe anybody! “
Sir, I can assure....
“It’s Ms actually. I’ve run out of hormone pills and my operation is not planned for another year and due to the credit crunch the council is contemplating not paying for further hormone therapy. As it is, my voice box and Adams apple are returning to their masculine pre transgender therapy size, so can you please imagine that my voice is actually an octave and a half higher than it is just now! And as a warning, any further references to it without prior invitation will be reported to my newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) and I will demand the full weight of the law to be meted out to you if you break any of the new unpublished council equality laws. My name is Dawn, how may I help you?”
“I am genuinely sorry for your plight.”
“I reserve the right to work in a gender harassment free environment; please do not mention my orientation again”
“But.....”
“Please remember that this call is being recorded and I can terminate it at any time if I think I am about to be abused and will report the incident to the newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual)”
“You called me, how can I help you?”
“We believe that you are responsible for a roof in the Cardiff Bay area”
“Ah yes, I know the roof you refer to. It does not belong to us and we did not supply it. We have a state of the art retail outlet that is for the purposes of supplying wooden furniture and associated items to the general public.”
“But we have recorded evidence of a mob of 200 chanting tax payers claiming you are responsible for the roof, how do explain that? Please remember that although you are not under caution as yet, this call is still being recorded.”
“I have no recollection of our company being involved in the erection of the said structure. But being a Scandinavian company we wish to promote ourselves in this country through winter sports, can we help in any way towards a new arena?”
“I’m sorry, but the council have a policy of not supporting competitive sport in any way. Our newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) believes that if left to the general populous, competition of any form will be the foundation of a new Aryan race. Therefore in everyone’s best interest, we will be rescinding local tax payers’ right to vote in general elections at the next council meeting. It’s in their best interest.”
“Well that is a shame as our managing director was himself a child Ice Hockey prodigy in his native Scandinavia and is willing to work with business community in Cardiff to facilitate a brand new 10,000 seat winter sports arena. He is a personal friend of the owner of the Ice Hockey team.”
“Sir I must remind you that if you continue to use this call to promote competitive sport I will have no option but to terminate this call and report it as a serious breach of council policy to the newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual)”
“Yes, but you called me!”
“Sir, we have still to determine how you managed to break planning regulations and constructed that monstrous obelisk that blights the good name of council policy in the bay and creates a sound pollution hazard to the native lesser spotted slug worm.”
“You may need to re-check your records. As a resident of the Bay, I can assure you that the building belongs to the council, was built 2 years ago and then handed over to a commercial enterprise so that they may make a profit from the good citizens of Cardiff.”
“Again, I must remind you that you are still being recorded and lies will be dealt with using the full extent of the Law.”
“I can assure you that the council built the building on the cheap and then gave away the operational profits to a commercial company.”
“Right! I have no choice but to terminate this call, I warned you. You will now be reported to the newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) and they will call for the full weight of European law to be unleashed upon you and your attitude. The transcript of this call will be used in evidence against you. There will be no right of appeal and we will continue to work in unison with central government to eradicate all forms of violent competitive sport!”
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Not wishing to let a good PR or marketing opportunity go to waste the officials went straight back to the city chambers and put a plan into action with voracity. After 5 hours, 3 meetings and hunting for a crumpled copy of the yellow pages the plan was put into motion after the YTS office junior (temp) managed to find a phone number for IKEA.
After employing a translator and carrying out a full Health and safety risk assessment, they realised that they had got through to the Belfast branch. After interrogating the bemused operator and threatening her with terrorism charges and offences against the state, she pleasantly supplied them with the required number for the store in Cardiff bay. She was admonished with a stern warning about how continually leaving her wheelie bin 4 centimetres too far from the kerbside had killed 3 thousand polar bears last year, and a promise of being put onto the Weight Watchers mailing list as her children would eventually be obese and therefore be a burden to the normal law abiding tax payers who were only just managing to keep pace with the councils pension liabilities.
The newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) had the final say whether or not further charges should be alleged, and after careful consideration, a legally obligated customer satisfaction survey form was dispatched by way of punishment. A mighty tome of 107 pages to be completed in triplicate, complete with guidance note booklets in 36 languages, plus a freephone telephone number to India for English speakers.
“Hello? Is that the Cardiff Bay Branch of IKEA?”
“Yes! How may I help you?”
“This is the Council Planning Department. It has been brought to our attention that you are responsible for a wooden roof structure coated in blue plastic in Cardiff bay. We have checked our records for a whole afternoon and it is apparent that IKEA or any of its subsidiaries have not applied for planning permission for a lone roof in the Cardiff Bay catchment area. Can you please explain how you managed to erect a roof without either planning permission or a building to place it upon? Please be aware that this call is being recorded for training and legal purposes because we just don’t believe anybody! “
Sir, I can assure....
“It’s Ms actually. I’ve run out of hormone pills and my operation is not planned for another year and due to the credit crunch the council is contemplating not paying for further hormone therapy. As it is, my voice box and Adams apple are returning to their masculine pre transgender therapy size, so can you please imagine that my voice is actually an octave and a half higher than it is just now! And as a warning, any further references to it without prior invitation will be reported to my newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) and I will demand the full weight of the law to be meted out to you if you break any of the new unpublished council equality laws. My name is Dawn, how may I help you?”
“I am genuinely sorry for your plight.”
“I reserve the right to work in a gender harassment free environment; please do not mention my orientation again”
“But.....”
“Please remember that this call is being recorded and I can terminate it at any time if I think I am about to be abused and will report the incident to the newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual)”
“You called me, how can I help you?”
“We believe that you are responsible for a roof in the Cardiff Bay area”
“Ah yes, I know the roof you refer to. It does not belong to us and we did not supply it. We have a state of the art retail outlet that is for the purposes of supplying wooden furniture and associated items to the general public.”
“But we have recorded evidence of a mob of 200 chanting tax payers claiming you are responsible for the roof, how do explain that? Please remember that although you are not under caution as yet, this call is still being recorded.”
“I have no recollection of our company being involved in the erection of the said structure. But being a Scandinavian company we wish to promote ourselves in this country through winter sports, can we help in any way towards a new arena?”
“I’m sorry, but the council have a policy of not supporting competitive sport in any way. Our newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) believes that if left to the general populous, competition of any form will be the foundation of a new Aryan race. Therefore in everyone’s best interest, we will be rescinding local tax payers’ right to vote in general elections at the next council meeting. It’s in their best interest.”
“Well that is a shame as our managing director was himself a child Ice Hockey prodigy in his native Scandinavia and is willing to work with business community in Cardiff to facilitate a brand new 10,000 seat winter sports arena. He is a personal friend of the owner of the Ice Hockey team.”
“Sir I must remind you that if you continue to use this call to promote competitive sport I will have no option but to terminate this call and report it as a serious breach of council policy to the newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual)”
“Yes, but you called me!”
“Sir, we have still to determine how you managed to break planning regulations and constructed that monstrous obelisk that blights the good name of council policy in the bay and creates a sound pollution hazard to the native lesser spotted slug worm.”
“You may need to re-check your records. As a resident of the Bay, I can assure you that the building belongs to the council, was built 2 years ago and then handed over to a commercial enterprise so that they may make a profit from the good citizens of Cardiff.”
“Again, I must remind you that you are still being recorded and lies will be dealt with using the full extent of the Law.”
“I can assure you that the council built the building on the cheap and then gave away the operational profits to a commercial company.”
“Right! I have no choice but to terminate this call, I warned you. You will now be reported to the newly appointed multicultural and appeasement manager (asexual) and they will call for the full weight of European law to be unleashed upon you and your attitude. The transcript of this call will be used in evidence against you. There will be no right of appeal and we will continue to work in unison with central government to eradicate all forms of violent competitive sport!”
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
:lol:
